some jokes

One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...
He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...
He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...
He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...
The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...
Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...
Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground...
As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed "oh help me god"
Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...
The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..
And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..
"I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth"
The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...
"Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it"
God thought for a moment and said...
"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish"
The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..
" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian"
God spoke...
"So be it done"
Suddenly the sky closed up...
The river turned back into its flowing glory...
The trees began to sway again...
And the bear clapped his paws together and said...
"Thankyou god for this meal im about to receive"



Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."
She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."



A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."


One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.


One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
"Hello? Hello?"
Jesus replied, "Who is it?"
"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.
Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"
The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"



Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
“Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. "Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: "Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first."